So it's been a while. A long while. I used to only write when something was wrong. LOL. I only drew when something was wrong, too. There are more outlets for the lemons life can throw, so it's fine...most of the time.
Let's just start with something I hope and pray happens: that my children continue to grow up being friends with each other and with God. That, if they live near by each other, they continue to show each other that they care, are supportive of one another and help each other. I pray they remember that love means giving and that they do not take advantage of other people's generosity. And that they, like their father always try to give more than they receive. I pray they help others who are lonely and are in need.
I pray that we can help them--in ways that they need help, not just what's easy for us. I pray the my help never comes with strings or guilt trips. I pray that I don't announce it to everyone or play the martyr. I pray that if and when we get older and need their help, we're humble about it and let them. I pray that I don't play favorites and am fair. Please, God, help me be just and fair with my love and attention!
There are just so many lessons I've learned through all of this, and I want to do better. It reminds me of when I was little and would go through a hard time, feel misunderstood or something and promise myself that I would never ever forget how I felt at that time so I could do better. LOL.
My heart hurts. We've had so little help and support after my surgery. Not that there wasn't help around us; it just wan't offered, or it was denied. One night, I was wheeling around on my scooter, dizzy from the antibiotics, trying to scramble to get dinner while Will's work was going crazy. It took so much not to break down in front of the kids.
I pray that my husband and I stay healthy enough to care for and raise our children, because we are alone. We are so alone...
Our friends take care of their own. In my old group, meals were arranged for the best friends of the person who was in charge of arranging meals. But that's fine; I don't expect much from other people. One person helped and I am so grateful.
I think my family has been the hardest part of this. They have not called to see how we are, offered to bring a meal (when they asked a while back what they could do, we told them this would be very helpful), or offered anything. They have been celebrating together, shopping, having fun. And my heart hurts. Please, God, help me forgive them. Please help me not to be bitter.
It's easy to have self-doubt. What am I doing to be so isolated and unlikeable that no one cares for us? Am I sabatoging my family somehow? What am I doing wrong? How is this my fault? If I were different, would my situation be different?
So I will count my blessings and go on. My husband has a job (still; thank you, God). My children are happy and have been very helpful. They are off to a good start, I think (please, God). We want for nothing. We are warm in the cold, have full bellies, cozy beds and many comforts. Wallowing in self pity doesn't help--especially since I've been given so much. Why do I want their love? I have God's and it should be sufficient. I have my husband's and children's and this is a bonus. :*)
Am thinking of the Litany of Humility and/or the Prayer of St. Francis. It helps. Please, God. Help me.
